If Nicholas Sparks ever made a Christmas movie, it would definitely look like The Noel Diary. Make of that what you will…
I’ve watched a lot of Christmas movies this year, and I’ve come to a very important realisation: I like my festive romcom to be served up lighter than a cheese soufflé, and ideally twice as fluffy.
I like a lot of com in my romcoms, too – and plenty of fake snow, covetable coats and mistletoe kisses. And, of course, I want an absolutely banging soundtrack (see The Princess Switch 2’s excellent use of Kelly Clarkson’s Underneath The Tree if you need an example).
When I heard people raving about Netflix’s The Noel Diary, then, I was excited. Maybe this would become a new Christmas classic, sitting pretty right at the top of my favourites alongside The Holiday. Maybe it would fill me with that holiday feeling from head to toe. Maybe.
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The film, for anyone who hasn’t dived in yet, tells the story of bestselling author Jake Turner (Justin Hartley), who steps into the shoes of every Christmas romcom’s classic career woman as he returns to his hometown for the holidays. Why? Well, to settle his estranged mother’s estate – which doesn’t scream festive fun, but y’know.
During the big clearout, he discovers a diary by a mysterious woman handily called Noel (hey, that explains the title!), which may hold secrets to his own past. It also, though, spins a story about Rachel (Barrett Doss), a mysterious young woman he finds on his doorstep. Wearing a red-and-cream plaid coat. Obviously.
Together, the duo embark on a journey to confront their pasts and discover a future that’s totally unexpected… or completely expected, depending on how many romances the viewer has watched during their life so far.
Because here’s the thing: this isn’t a Christmas romcom – it’s a bonafide romance. A festive one, sure, but don’t go into The Noel Diary expecting plenty of laughs, like this unsuspecting writer did.
Watch the trailer for The Noel Diary below:
And on that note, here’s every thought I had while watching The Noel Diary. Do with them what you will.
1) Ooh, we start with a flashback (does it count as a flashback if it’s the very first shot? Whatever…) of a woman writing in her diary. She’s not feeling very optimistic about her future, or about the future of little Jacob, or about the future of a mysterious someone. She is using an ink pen, though, so we know this happened a very long time ago, because… well, laptops exist now, don’t they?
2) Bam! Just like that, we’re rocketed forwards through time to a busy book signing in Chicago for a very handsome (and very famous, apparently) author. It’s Jake! His gushing fans want to know why he doesn’t write romances, and what his plans are for the holidays, and whether he might shag any of them. OK, fine, they don’t verbalise that last nit per se, but it’s pretty clear that everyone wants a bit of Jake Turner… especially when he pops his glasses on.
3) As is established in this next sweeping shot of Jake’s palatial home, though, the only woman he has time for in his life is his beloved dog, Ava. And maybe his dog sitter/assistant, Svetlana… even if she does ask deeply probing questions about his personal life.
4) He likes jazz, people. He skipped past every Christmas song on the radio to get to the jazz station, and I feel like this will be a vital plot point, for some reason.
5) Annnnnnd the phone is ringing, and he’s answering, and, yeah, his mum’s dead. So we can all tick the ‘dead mum’ trope off on our Christmas movie bingo lists, OK?
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6) Not only does Jake have to head home to deal with his late mum’s belongings, but he has to do it over the holidays… and, as it turns out, she was a hoarder. So he has his work cut out for him. Thank goodness it’s the most gorgeous snow-covered house in the world, eh? With carol singers lurking outside and singing their sweetest ditties, no less.
7) If I hadn’t already forecast that Jake was going to end up with Rachel, then I’d want to fix him up with his lovely neighbour. Sure, she’s an older woman (as made clear by her shawl and perfectly silvering curls), but there’s something here. A smidge of chemistry. And – to coin a phrase from Schitt’s Creek – a whisper of desire.
8) An ominous shot of a tree stump, accompanied by a piece of sombre music, suggests that Jake’s mother’s alcoholism (an alcoholic dead hoarder mum at Christmas, everyone!) was caused by… that tree. Somehow. I’m sure we’ll find out more as we go on.
9) OK, we have Jake visiting his brother’s grave as an act of remembrance (and handy exposition for everyone watching at home). This will involve the aforementioned tree stump, I assume.
10) Side note: Ava is the most beautiful dog I’ve ever seen. Ever. And that’s even factoring my own beloved dog in the mix.
11) There’s a woman lurking outside Jake’s house, but she meanders off when she catches him staring at her through the window. She’s wearing a very boring grey coat, so it’s not time for their meet-cute yet.
12) Ellie (the hot older neighbour with whom Jake shares all the chemistry) pops round to feed tomato soup to him and his dog – the latter of which, incidentally, you should never do, as the majority of dogs are allergic to tomato – and tell him to get in touch with his estranged dad. Also, to ask him for help setting up her profile on the very fake online dating site 50 And Fab. Jake is so up for this idea, and he’s even going to use his skills as a bestselling author to write her bio for her. She’ll be inundated with dates in no time!
13) For someone who’s cold all the time, Jake sure does like to keep his sleeves rolled up to his elbows. All the better to flex those powerful forearms, I suppose.
14) Aha, Rachel has donned that red-and-cream plaid coat, she’s introducing herself to Jake and Ava and she’s revealing her story to him: she’s trying to find her mother, her adoption file reveals that this place was her mother’s last known address, and… yeah, Jake isn’t all that interested in helping “Nancy Drew” in her mission. He’s more than willing to chat Gladys Knight and other such big music legends with her, though. Priorities.
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15) Rachel hasn’t clocked he’s the world’s most famous author; she thinks he’s a struggling artist. And I think this is largely why he changes his mind about helping her; he’s utterly charmed by the idea of a woman who’s not fawning over him for once. He’s going to take her to talk to Ellie.
16) As luck would have it, Ellie has already bagged herself a first date (that was quick!), so Jake takes Rachel out for dinner at the town’s Italian restaurant. There, we learn that our girl a) speaks fluent Italian, b) prefers to split her bills, c) is applying for a job at the UN, and d) is ENGAGED. To a boring accountant man called ALAN. We’re as shocked as Jake is, quite honestly.
17) To cut a long story short (too late!) Rachel and Jake bond over a spot of late-night piano playing before chatting to Ellie about Rachel’s biological mum – who was Jake’s 17-year-old au pair (“Her name was kind of Christmassy”) many, many years ago. Weird that he didn’t remember, but whatever. She advises the pair chat to Jake’s estranged dad in a bid to find out more, and so – after some angsty soul searching from Jake – they load up his 4×4 and head off on a beautifully wintry cross-country adventure together. Honestly, every single stop on their journey looks like it’s been ripped straight off a Christmas card.
18) Another side note: Jake running barefoot through the rain in a sodden white t-shirt, à la Mr Darcy – was so unnecessary. But very much appreciated, all the same.
19) Rachel 100% googled Jake, so she knows he’s a hella famous author now. Balance is restored. Also, good safety tip: always google the strange man you’re about to join for a long-distance road trip.
20) Also, Rachel has found her mum’s diary stashed among Jake’s things. Do you know how she knows it’s her mum’s diary? Because the very first line says, “My name is Noel Ellis, I’m 17 years old, and I’m having a baby.” HANDY!
21) Jake tells Rachel all about how his brother died, but we don’t hear a word because the audio randomly cuts out (don’t worry, they replace it with yet more sombre music) and we get a slo-mo of him tearfully revealing something, before Rachel grabs his hand. Which is… weird, I shan’t lie.
22) There’s also a LOT of greenscreen snow scenes in this film, particularly in all the ‘almost kiss’ moments. Fake snow, fake trees, fake backdrops, and I refuse to pretend I haven’t noticed.
23) Rachel may be engaged, but she sure doesn’t act like it: she wants to know why the “handsome” Jake is still single. She wants to flirt. She wants to buy a copy of his book and secretly read it (albeit very noisily) in bed. She wants to walk his dog for him while talking to the very boring (albeit very handsome – she has a type!) Alan. Poor Alan, whose only crime is to plan an engagement party at her favourite restaurant, love her unendingly, and not ask too many questions about where she is / who she’s with. Bless him.
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24) Jake’s dad lives in a ridiculously outsized cabin in the woods (particularly considering he’s a social worker, not a billionaire). When they find him, he’s busily chopping down a (fake) tree for his first Christmas in forever with his son – and Jake’s absent dad does that whole “I wrote you every day for a year” bit that Ryan Gosling uses on Rachel McAdams in The Notebook when Jake calls him out for leaving. He also left a message or two on the answering machine.
This is enough for Jake, apparently, who forgives dad with a hug. Personally, though, this writer thinks maybe dad should have driven on over to see his kid once in a while, rather than giving them up forever when his letters go unanswered.
25) Dad thankfully fills in the story about Jake’s brother (the one we missed when the sound cut out), and tells us the kid died hanging up a Christmas ornament on a massive outdoor tree. He blames himself for letting the kid climb up there in a snowstorm. This writer blames him as well, because that is, quite frankly, a really bloody dumb parenting decision.
26) Jake’s dad thinks these guys would make a great couple. Too bad Rachel is due to be married to a perfectly fine gentleman and therefore has no interest whatsoever in Jake, right?
27) Wait, is this the plot of Frozen? Estranged parents, dramatic snowstorm-and-sibling related stories, an engaged woman on a long journey with a broad-shouldered man that isn’t her fiancé, an unexpected bloom of romance…? It IS the plot of Frozen!
28) Minus the magic, obviously.
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29) Anyway, I digress: at the first pitstop, there are two rooms left at the inn, so Jake and Rachel don’t have to share, as per the classic romcom trope. The second inn, though, is a very different story: not only do our oh-so-compatible pals have to share a room, but they also share a bed, which leads to a steamy night of tender loving passionate fun – which mainly takes place because Jake orders a cake to the candlelit (understatement of the century: this is a fire hazard unlike any other) room when he learns that it’s Rachel’s birthday. Birthday cake is hot, apparently. Although not as hot as the combined flames of all those candles… no wonder they wind up naked.
30) Jake wakes up to find Rachel has absconded, leaving a note beside his sleeping head to explain that it was a great night, but she’s just not feeling it. She’s off to reunite with Alan. She doesn’t need to find Noel anymore. Thanks, sorry not sorry, bye.
31) Rachel may not want to track down Noel, but Jake finds her working at a remote hospital and thanks her for helping his family more than he ever realised (or even remembered, because let’s not forget that he had no recollection of her at the beginning of the movie).
32) Noel tells him to tell Rachel she’d love to hear from her, and he nods solemnly as she cries softly on a snow-covered hospital rooftop. Clearly the local coffee shop was closed or something…
33) Rachel is having Christmas with her adoptive parents, where they can’t help but realise that a) she doesn’t sound excited about Alan, and b) she’s studiously ignoring another man’s calls. Awkward.
34) When Rachel answers the phone, she tells Jake not to bother finding her… which is unfortunate, as he’s already tracked her down (creepy) and is standing outside her house in another CGI snow flurry. She does that whole Arya-and-Nymeria thing from Game Of Thrones (“Get out of here, oh doomed one. Because I don’t love you, even if I do. Just go!”) and he finally, finally respects her wishes and leaves. With his very well-behaved dog trotting at his heels.
35) Back at his late mum’s house, Jake packs up the few last boxes, reads all the long-lost letters from his dad, and has a chat with Ellie and her very suddenly serious boyfriend (they’re hosting a Christmas lunch together, for crying out loud). He tells Ellie that it’s a no-go with Rachel, and that’s that. Except…
36) … as he leaves, he finds Rachel smiling outside his house, clearly not feeling the cold of the fake snow falling down all around her. He smiles back. AND THAT IS IT?
37) Yeah, the film ends there. We never see Rachel reunite with Noel, despite the whole film being named after the poor woman. We never find out what happened to the patently very fine, very suitable Alan. And we never get to see that big old smooch we’ve been building up to, either.
38) Whatever, I’m out. Merry bloody Christmas, everyone.
Images: Netflix
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