It was my daughter who made me aware that Caroline Flack had been arrested for allegedly hitting her boyfriend, Lewis Burton. My daughter knows what domestic abuse looks like, because I was a victim.
I’ve found it extremely offensive to see some people laughing this matter off as a complete joke.
Clearly, seeing a man be vulnerable or hurt challenges the foundations that they have built their whole belief system on. It’s a very blinkered view of a very taboo topic.
Because of these allegations, Caroline has now quit her role as presenter of Love Island and will need to wait to see if a court case will materialise. I know this state of limbo – from arrest to court case – all too well.
I was subjected to a decade of domestic abuse and violence at the hands of my ex-wife.
What started as a loving relationship soon declined after our wedding. I was quickly isolated from family and friends, while my daughter was used as emotional blackmail.
I was locked out of my house over 60 times, left in the middle of nowhere with no means of getting home, and humiliated on a daily basis.
Violence would be used if I did not comply; keys in my chest, objects thrown at me and finally, being repeatedly hit over the head with a hair dryer, which landed me in hospital. It was at this point I went to the police.
I was fortunate that my voice was heard five years ago by a supportive police officer who made my daughter and me feel very safe when we were extremely vulnerable. The case took a year to get to court and my ex-wife was found guilty of Grievous Bodily Harm (GBH) and common assault, and was imprisoned.
But my ordeal wasn’t over.
I was faced with polarised attitudes from people who didn’t know me and who clearly couldn’t believe that my wife would behave in this way. Members of my local church went out of their way to support my ex-wife, refusing to believe me. I saw people glaze over when I was telling them what had happened to me.
The mental pressure was extreme. Only my closest family and friends stood by me and did something practical, and I thank god for them, because I encountered prejudice from all agencies that were supposedly there to help.
My local women’s shelter closed the door on me and another charity put the phone down when it was clear that I was the one who had been abused.
When I had to leave the family home, I had to take my nine-year-old daughter with me and I was lucky enough to have a great network of friends, because there was no refuge for me to take her to.
This isn’t good enough. All domestic abuse survivors made to flee their homes should have a sanctuary.
To not be listened to at a time when you are at your lowest ebb is inconceivable, but it does happen. There are more and more people ready to listen to all survivors, but support services can be a postcode lottery.
A colleague of mine likes using the term ‘man up’ and when I challenged him, he really couldn’t understand what I was getting at. This is the problem when we live in a world still full of stereotypes, founded on entrenched views of masculinity and femininity.
We need to encourage boys to express their emotions and we need to listen to their needs. Everyone has feelings – and anyone can be either the perpetrator or victim of domestic violence and abuse.
If we don’t, then we will perpetuate a society in which men and boys are not able to cope with turmoil and mental health issues.
You only need to look at the suicide rate for young men to see that attitudes must change.
Whatever the outcome of her case, Caroline Flack no doubt has some difficult times ahead of her. So does her partner, and he should not be ridiculed.
If this approach was taken towards female survivors, the uproar that would accompany it would be phenomenal, and rightly so: two women are murdered at the hands of a current of former partner in England and Wales every week.
Male survivors of domestic abuse can be doubly traumatised, first by the abuse itself – and then from being ignored or laughed at when they do speak out.
Despite everything, my daughter and I survived and today I am proud to be a trustee of the Mankind Initiative, which offers a helpline to male survivors. I know that domestic abuse isolates you to the point where you feel helpless and worthless, and I don’t want anyone to have to feel like I did.
We must learn not to judge too quickly, to offer a helping hand wherever domestic abuse and violence might be taking place and to have a higher level of understanding of what domestic abuse is and who it affects.
More than anything, we need to listen to and support all survivors of domestic violence, regardless of sex or gender.
Who to call if you need help
You can call the ManKind helpline for support on 01823 334244 between 10am and 4pm on weekdays.
You can also call the Men’s Advice Line for confidential help, information, advice and support on 0808 801 0327.
Please call 999 if you are in immediate danger. Help is out there.
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