Written by Billie Bhatia
So, your friend is getting married and you know no one but her at the wedding. Eek. Here, Stylist columnist Billie Bhatia gives one introvert going through this some advice on how to navigate her dilemma.
“I’m supposed to be going to a wedding alone this month, where my only friend is the bride – and I’m suddenly having a huge crisis of confidence and don’t want to go. Not just because I won’t know anyone (I couldn’t afford to go on the hen do so it’s not as if I ‘sort of’ know the other faces going), but I’ve been struggling with being single since Christmas and after a string of (really) bad dates, I’m not in the most positive mindset when it comes to love right now. I’m also an introvert and have never been the type of person to strike up conversations with strangers. The whole thing is making me really anxious, and I can’t even face looking for an outfit. But I’m worried if I don’t go my friend will resent me and it will come between our friendship. I mean, there are some things you just don’t cancel on, right. Or can I?”
As a person who says “yes” to everything, I am plagued by the idea of cancelling plans. I just can’t say no. And the only time I do is when I can’t make it due to other plans. As much as I’ve tried to curb my habit, I’ve resigned myself to the fact I will always fill up my social calendar in a way that can best be described as competitive. This means two things: I’m always busy. But perhaps more pertinent to your dilemma, I also say yes to things well in advance of them happening, and then, when it gets closer to the time, I find myself desperately wanting to cancel. So, while we might have got to this point via very separate paths, my cheeks rising to wince at every line of your question wasn’t because I have never been in your shoes before, but rather because despite our fundamental differences – me, who thrives in situations where I get to meet new people, and you, a self-proclaimed introvert – I empathise with you.
There is a lot going on with your situation. A lot of emotions. A lot of things that hinge on one another. And a lot of things that could (perhaps) be called out as an excuse – so let’s break it down.
First up: you’re flying solo. Even as the most extroverted extrovert, that is a tough gig. Flying solo to a party is very different from flying solo at a wedding. While there will always be table mates you can befriend, you can’t guarantee who’ll be on the ‘single occupants’ table. You could have an elderly aunt, a young cousin or the ex of one of the bridal party (this has happened to me before). That said, you might also have a table full of people who are totally brilliant. But, let’s not stray away from the fact that walking into a wedding alone (well before you even get to the table) is anxiety-inducing for anyone.
You skipped out on the hen (I have also done this on occasion, because paying £500 to hang out with 20 people in a cold barn in the middle of nowhere is a waste of time, effort and money), so the feeling of being left out of the insider “Oh my god, remember when…” jokes doesn’t make you feel great either. Hens can be a bonding experience, and when you aren’t part of that wedding experience, it can be quite isolating. To be totally truthful, I wouldn’t say it would be reason enough to bail out of the wedding entirely, but you’re right to add it to the list.
You’re flying solo in your personal life too, and girl, do I understand how you’re feeling about that part. I love weddings with my whole heart. I love the ‘getting ready’, the ceremony, the emotional groom, the speeches (even the dry father of the bride whose speech is little more than a read-through of his daughter’s CV), the dancing and the embarrassing guests. But, don’t be fooled that half the tears I am crying for the besotted bride and groom aren’t a lament that this isn’t my own damn wedding. Going to weddings single can be brutal. No more brutal than when the first dance rolls around and all the coupled-up members of the party join the newlyweds in a slow sway of blissful romance. Great for them, hideous for you.
What it all boils down to here is that you’re feeling anxious. Your anxiety is triple-stemmed from the dread of wanting to get out of this wedding and feeling like you can’t; from the reckoning that despite your friendship, your heart is just not in it; and on the spectrum of events you probably shouldn’t cancel on, weddings do rank somewhere near the top. You could power through, try and drown out those thoughts that are plaguing you from attending and think you are doing something for the greater good. But perhaps ask yourself this: in the bigger picture, is your friendship more than just one day?
I have played a part in weddings – I’ve been a bridesmaid, done a reading, started the midnight macarena, bought 20 tequilas to get the party going – but would the wedding have been equally as great for the bride and groom if I wasn’t there? My ego might take a bruising from this answer, but it’s always yes, it would have been. The next step is: are you brave enough to put yourself first and confront the bride to tell her that you want to bow out? For the sake of how you are feeling, I really hope so.
Truth be told, I think all your reasons for cancelling are completely valid (I say this as someone who wishes she had cancelled on a few more things in her life). Give your friend and your friendship the benefit of the doubt and tell your friend life is a bit too overwhelming for you right now, but you want nothing more than to celebrate her and you will do that in a way that feels comfortable for both of you. If you do decide this is the route you want to take, tell her in person or over the phone. Send her flowers on the wedding morning to let her know you’re wishing her the best day, and make a booking for an intimate dinner for just the two of you so you can hear all about her day. Whatever you do, let it be your decision – and one that you are happy with.
Ask Billie anything on Instagram @stylistmagazine
Images: Getty
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