Woman who is in a ‘non-monogamous’ relationship shares strict ‘ground rules’ she and her girlfriend of five years follow to avoid jealousy – revealing they CAN have sex with others but sleepovers and hickeys are off limits
- Summer Tao, 28, said she finds the idea of monogamy ‘improbable and scary’
- She and her girlfriend, Lucy Aalto, agreed to have an open relationship in 2018
- They’ve made it work for five years thanks to the strict ‘rules’ they put in place
A woman who is in a ‘non-monogamous’ relationship with her girlfriend-of-five years has shared the strict ‘ground rules’ that they put in place to make sure that their unusual romance works – revealing they’re allowed to have sex with other people but sleepovers and hickeys are completely off limits.
Summer Tao, 28, a writer from Canada who is now living in South Africa, said she knew for a long time that ‘monogamy wasn’t for her’ because she found ‘the idea of being with one person forever both improbable and scary.’
When she started dating her current girlfriend Lucy Aalto in 2018, the two decided it would be best for them to have an open relationship, which means they are ’emotionally committed’ to one another but can have ‘sexual connections with others.’
And while it wasn’t always easy for them, the two have now been in a non-monogamous relationship for five years – and they couldn’t imagine it any other way.
A woman who is in a ‘non-monogamous’ relationship with her girlfriend-of-five years has shared the strict ‘ground rules’ that they put in place to make sure that their romance works
Summer Tao, 28, a writer from Canada, said she knew for a long time that ‘monogamy wasn’t for her’ because she found ‘the idea of being with one person forever improbable and scary’
When she started dating her current girlfriend Lucy Aalto in 2018, the two decided it would be best for them to have an open relationship
‘I had always found monogamy stifling. I want to love one person forever, but I also want my sexual freedom,’ Summer wrote in an essay for Insider recently.
‘I’m now in a happy, non-monogamous relationship with my girlfriend-of-five-years. It’s been a long process of learning boundaries and communicating desires, but I can’t picture myself in a monogamous engagement anymore.’
Summer explained that she had been practicing non-monogamy for four years before she and Lucy met, and she learned from her ‘experience’ that it’s important to be open and honest about what you want from the start.
So two months after she and Lucy started talking, they decided to have a chat about their ‘desires.’
‘During the talk, I told her that having an open relationship was important to me. We discussed what that meant, and we established our first set of ground rules before deciding to make it official,’ she explained.
The guidelines they set include only having one other sexual partner at a time, not spending the night with their other lovers, and ensuring that their outside relationships are strictly physical. In addition, hickeys from others are a ‘big no-no.’
‘We consider skin marks to be very personal and see hickeys as a special in-house activity,’ Summer said.
‘We have agreed to keep sexual activities to one person at a time unless otherwise discussed. We can’t fall in love with someone else.’
That means they are ’emotionally committed’ to one another but can have ‘sexual connections with others’
And while it wasn’t always easy for them, the two have now been in a non-monogamous relationship for five years – and they couldn’t imagine it any other way
The guidelines they set include only having one other sexual partner at a time, not spending the night with their other lovers, and ensuring that they don’t ‘fall in love’ with anyone else
According to Summer, the key to making their situation work is communication.
She explained that she and Lucy are completely supportive of one another getting with other people – as long as they’re honest about it – and they even ‘swipe through Tinder together’ or gush about their latest ‘crush’ to one another.
Summer (seen) explained that she and Lucy are completely supportive of one another getting with other people – as long as they’re honest about it – and they even ‘swipe through Tinder together’ or gush about their latest ‘crush’ to one another
‘If I’m going on a date, she knows who it is, what my interests in the person are, and what I’ll be getting up to. It’s not because she’s trying to monitor me but because we like to keep each other informed,’ she dished.
‘When one of us feels uncomfortable about a behavior or an event, we talk it out, so our relationship is ever-evolving.
‘I’m proud of how much our connection has evolved. It means that Lucy and I have steadily built a relationship that’s meaningful to us and us alone.’
In the end, she said she hopes that being honest about their non-monogamous relationship will inspire others who aren’t ‘happy with one person’ to give it a try.
‘The point of ethical nonmonogamy isn’t to demolish monogamy. It’s to give options to people who can’t be happy with one person,’ she concluded.
‘Through it, I’ve crafted a way of loving my girlfriend that is as unique as we are.’
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