JOEY Essex broke down in tears as he admitted bottling up his grief about his mum’s suicide during a therapy session.
The reality TV star has bravely spoken about his devastating loss in a BBC documentary Joey Essex: Grief and Me.
The 30-year-old's struggle was captured on camera as he opened up to a therapist about being unable to cope two decades on.
"I just feel trapped," sobbed Joey.
"She loved me, but she left me.
"I just don't think I'll be able to let go.
"I don't give a **** about all this in life, I'd choose her over anything."
The tragedy has left deep-rooted scars, as Joey admits the grief is killing his dream of starting a family and finding true love.
He says: "I just think to myself: If she loved me that much, why would she leave me?
“I’ve had loads of relationships but I always end up pushing them away.
“Imagine if I was with someone and I had kids with them and I really did love that person and then she left me. I wouldn’t know what to do. I’m already thinking we’re gonna break up before we’re together. I’m pushing it away.
“I’ve gone from being a big party boy going out. Now I genuinely do want a family. I want to find true love.
“I think that my life has been too painful for that person to be with. Because I don’t put them through what I’ve been through.
“I know I need to change things now so I’ve decided to look for help.”
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