Making Impeachment Sexy Again Is Not a Concern, Late Night Says

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Impeachment Pizazzster

Despite 13 million people tuning in to the televised public impeachment hearings on Wednesday, much of the news coverage seemed to suggest that the hearings themselves were severely lacking in the “pizazz” needed to draw viewers.

“Even NBC News tweeted that the testimonies ‘lacked the pizazz necessary to capture public attention.’ Yeah, that’s what I’m looking for in deeply troubling congressional hearings: pizazz. Yeah, that’s why, during Iran Contra, Oliver North came dressed as Elton John.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“And since when is pizazz the benchmark of trustworthiness? I don’t want a pilot who says, ‘Attention, passengers, we’ll be touching down in Denver in just a moment. But first: barrel roll, barrel roll, shimmy, shimmy, water landing.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“These were two career civil servants giving sworn testimony about a potential attempt to undermine our democracy. They’re also supposed to have pizazz? Is this an impeachment hearing or an episode of ‘Dance Moms’? I’m confused.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“Here’s the thing, people: these hearings are investigating whether the president of the United States committed high crimes or misdemeanors. So they’re supposed to be serious, not about excitement. You know, impeachment is like a family reunion: If it’s sexy, something has gone horribly wrong.’” — TREVOR NOAH

“And even though millions of people have been talking about these hearings, over on Fox News their analysis of this impeachment is ‘meh.’” — TREVOR NOAH

“You know what’s funny is how when it was Hillary's scandal, Fox News was like, ‘Now as we well know, Benghazi isn’t just home to Libya’s signature dish, bazin, it’s also a hotbed of support for Ansar al-Sharia, especially around Tahrir Square. This is a big thing in Libya.’ When it’s a Donald Trump scandal, all of a sudden they’re like, ‘What’s a Ukraine? Ukraine? Do you crane? Do I crane? Frasier Crane? The bird crane?’” — TREVOR NOAH

“And you know it says in the Constitution, a sitting president cannot be found guilty of a crime if the trial leading up to it is boring.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

The Punchiest Punchlines (Go Home, Deval Edition)

“Former Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick announced today that he is joining the Democratic presidential race and sure, why not? I mean, at this point the Democratic primary is an option under Uber Pool.” — SETH MEYERS

“Deval Patrick was the governor of Massachusetts, and then spent years working for a company called Bain Capital. Which, this is just what the Democrats need, someone with the exact same résumé as Mitt Romney. Perfectly done.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“And can I just say, Democrats, what the [expletive] are you doing? You don’t have to keep replenishing the stock when the candidates drop out. This is an election, not sustainable fishing.” — TREVOR NOAH

“Are you allowed to join this late? This is like if during Game 3 of the World Series, the Mets showed up asking to play.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

The Bits Worth Watching

Alex Rodriguez joined Jimmy Fallon for a game called Teleprompter Tango, reading hilarious never-before-seen lines on-air.

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