As a parent trying to survive in June 2020, my days feel untethered, like balloons released during a windstorm. My kids, 3 and 7, don’t let my wife and me sleep much. Everything in our house seems sticky or stained, our elderly dog often strolling by with chocolate-chip granola bars or other morsels in her jaws. Working at home is, um, a challenge.
This was true before coronavirus, but without much time to clean and do other activities — let alone unwind before I pass out at night — Father’s Day this year feels less like a celebration and more like a quick back rub before I return to the ring. Yes, most fathers signed up for this job. But that doesn’t mean we were prepared for it, that we’re not still struggling or that we don’t have a lot more to learn.
I’m also wracked by existential questions: How much of the world do I let into my house, and therefore my children’s minds? What’s the best way to raise kids in a country grappling with systemic racism and police violence, toxic masculinity and rampant sexism?
The answer depends on who you are. But if you’re a father, you may share more with other dads than your assumptions about race, sexuality, income or education allow you to realize.
“First, it’s important to recognize that this is hard right now,” said Nick Firchau, whose Longmont-based podcast “Paternal” presents thoughtful, concise tales of fatherhood from diverse guests, from a Denver Bronco Super Bowl winner to a Harvard-educated psychologist, Oglala Sioux elder in South Dakota, and New York Knicks’ barber in Queens.
A former sports journalist and digital media producer who has lived all over the country, Firchau unleashed “Paternal” in 2017 with a broad but voracious appetite for telling stories about what it means to be a dad. His own kids, now 4 and 6, and his experiences can’t help but inform his choice of questions and subjects.
But his bottom-line message, that dads have more in common than they realize (or talk about with each other), is important to becoming a better father.
“No one has this figured out yet,” the 41-year-old said of parenting in mid-2020. “But a lot of fathers are going through the same thing, and you can find a sense of camaraderie and commiseration just from seeking your peers out. Men don’t usually do that. Men are reluctant to connect with other men and ask, ‘Are you thinking the same thing I’m thinking?’ ”
After 37 episodes and three years of “Paternal,” Firchau has learned a few things himself and decided to share them with us on a Zoom call last week.
On fatherhood, 2020-style
“We talked about this two or three episodes ago with a KEXP DJ up in Seattle, where I used to live,” Firchau said. “The last three months without child care or school has put enormous stress on all parents. But I’ve learned more about myself as a dad and husband over those three months than I have in a long time. I’ve had to ask what the appropriate amount of information is to tell my kids about what’s happening in the world, because explaining it to them has gotten a lot harder.
“When I take my 6-year-old son to a Black Lives Matter protest — which we did — what’s the right amount of information he needs to process the experience? How much do I tell him about the coronavirus pandemic? I may not have been asking these questions so soon otherwise.”
On race
“Fathers of white kids are afforded a longer runway to have those difficult conversations. Until my son saw someone on the street with a sign that said ‘I Can’t Breathe,’ he never asked about it. But then my wife and I had to look at each other and say, ‘Where do we start?’ And he’s afforded the luxury of not having to know everything because he’s white. But kids also learn by osmosis and can get more understanding by being inside situations. … We’ve done episodes where black men talked about being pulled over by cops, and they resonate just as loudly today as they did two or three years ago — maybe louder.”
(Note: “Paternal’s” second-to-last episode, “Conversations About Race and Fatherhood,” compiles archival material relevant to Black Lives Matter protests).
“But I really don’t want to do episodes with overt topics, like ‘Here’s one on the cops!’ I’d rather find the right stories and weave them together into this larger conversation we’ve been having over 30-plus episodes.”
On gender
“We’ve had three or four people on talking about their experiences of being a gay dad — how to navigate surrogates and things like that. But we haven’t had a transgender dad. Yet. The second episode we ever did was about a guy based in Colorado with a transgender daughter titled, “Daddy, This Is a Girl’s Penis.” Was that too much? I didn’t really care, because it gave people an idea of what the podcast was about. And that episode is one of our most popular.
“But in terms of the episode titles, I want people to know this isn’t just going to be white men talking about macho themes and their man-caves and top five movies to watch with their kids. The broader variety of topics we can feature, including things vastly different than anything I’ve experienced, the stronger the show is because it shows how connected we are as fathers.”
On finding an audience
“I’ve tried to be subtle in the way I approach it, because fatherhood is complicated, and some men aren’t used to hearing about these topics from this perspective. I’ve heard from a lot of women who listen to it, too, and had people tell me more women probably listen to it than men, because they never hear men having these kind of intimate, one-on-one conversations.
“We’re not doing (Joe Rogan Podcast) numbers, but I can tell you we’ve seen our audience grow about 500 percent for monthly downloads since we launched in September 2017 to June 2020. Slowly, but surely.”
On hope for the future
“What’s given me some calm is the recognition that this is an abnormal moment. Even the older generation never had a pandemic with young kids. Father’s Day 2020 is under the cloud compared to the six or seven other Father’s Days I’ve had. There’s a lot of insecurity and despair. But this is objectively difficult, and it’s OK to be scared or frustrated.
“Despite all of the other classifications that may separate me from other men — race, social class, education, sexuality, faith, geography, political preferences — I’ll always be part of this large group of fathers who share the same experience of wanting what’s best for his children. If someone raises kids in the same area, at the same schools, throughout their life, they might talk about potty training to the neighborhood dads.
“But then a few years later, those are the same guys you’re talking to about driver’s licenses and first dates. You can have that community with other men if you pursue it. There are a lot of fathers looking to share their stories and anxieties and thoughts, and that was the theory I set out to test with ‘Paternal.’ ”
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