Lee Daniels
"When I was 13, my mother found me with a guy. He was a teenager like me. She was so freaked out that she didn't know what to do. And even though she was aware that my father had physically abused me, she told him. That shocked me. As opposed to hitting me or really hardcore punishing me, he didn’t touch me. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'If you embarrass me, I will kill you.'
The words struck me like a bullet. He was a policeman. It was clear that he could do it. So, I didn't have sex—I didn’t even think about sex—for years. Then, when I was 16, my father was killed in the line of duty in Philadelphia. And you know what, even then, I felt like his ghost was going to come for me.
After that, I thought I was straight, because from 13 to 20, I simply didn't think about it. And then in college I dated a girl. And we had sex. Then she said, 'Lee, you're gay.'
I asked, 'How do you know that?'
She said, 'Because you are.'
And then we became best friends.
When I was 21, I left college early. I moved out to California. And I fell in love. Hard in love. I decided to tell my mom. I said, 'I'm in love.' I was so in love. It was my first love. She said, 'Can I meet her?'
I said, 'It's a him, and he's my roommate.'
She asked, 'What do you want me to say?'
I just didn't say anything. And she said, "I can't say that I support this, but I support you. And I'm here for you."
So that was my coming out. But what’s key here is that my dad told me he was going to punish me. My church told me that God was going to punish me. And literally four months after that, the AIDS epidemic hit and killed my partner and all of my friends. For the longest time, I carried this sick guilt. Because I thought the church was right, and I would be punished. But I didn't have HIV. I couldn't understand why I didn't have it. It inevitably led me to write.
It seems like the younger generation in the LGBTQ community has forgotten about HIV-AIDS. The kids today have forgotten the countless lives responsible for their liberty and their freedom right now.
Being black and gay is on my mind right now. And it’s just too painful to talk about now, in the time we are in. But, as for my mother, today she’s with me. She’s in the streets with me. She's been with me through many of my partners, including my most recent one. She is a strong ally. She really has been an incredible grandmother to my kids. She is a changed woman.
And you know, today I am grateful that I'm gay. I’m very proud to be gay. Because I don't know that I would have the sensibility to tell Billie Holiday’s story. Or to tell Precious or Monster’s Ball or Empire. I would never have had that… twinkle. You’ve got to have that twinkle, honey! Without that twinkle you’re just bulls—ing. It's fact."
Lee Daniels, 60, is an Oscar-nominated writer, director, and producer of films including Monster’s Ball, The Butler, Precious, and the forthcoming The United States vs. Billie Holiday. He is also the creator of the television series Empire.
Designers: Scotto Kim and Hannah Song
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