Wicked ways to get revenge when you can’t storm off: Your chap driving you mad? Move his bookmark, smudge his specs and cancel his beer order
- Flora Gill has revealed she is deploying secret revenge tactics during lockdown
- To avoid arguments the London-based journalist messes with her boyfriend
- She moved his bookmark three pages ahead and smudged his glasses
A fortnight ago, my boyfriend reset the wi-fi without bothering to check with me, unwittingly throwing me off an important Zoom video call and making me look like a confused baby boomer who can’t work technology.
Normally I might have got angry with him, but we were a week into lockdown and I knew we were stuck in our desert island living quarters for the rest of the day.
So instead, I deployed my own superior tactic: secret revenge.
Rather than storm next door and confront him, I stayed in my bedroom-cum-office, leant over to his side of the bed and took his book off the nightstand. I then moved his bookmark three pages forward.
When Flora Gill’s boyfriend Adam (right) reset the wi-fi while she was in the middle of a Zoom call she moved his bookmark forward by three pages
A fight had been avoided, but I was satisfied because I knew I’d robbed him of some joy in those few pages.
That evening he picked up his book, none the wiser. His mildly confused face as he tried to follow the plot was all the ‘apology’ I needed.
‘Good book?’ I asked innocently. ‘Pretty good,’ he said. ‘Little confusing though.’
Some other minor victories of mine which he knows nothing about: me ‘accidentally’ finishing all the chocolate biscuits, subtly removing his beer from the online shop before the order was placed, and not reminding him about a work call that I just know he’s forgotten.
In normal times, the key to a happy relationship is being good at fighting. Two people can be as compatible as Ant and Dec in every way, and in the bedroom, too, but if they’re incompatible in an argument, the relationship is doomed.
After a decade together, my boyfriend Adam and I have managed to finesse our epic fights to a flawless recipe.
It involves a few minutes of shouting, followed by a storm-off separation. He takes a walk, I rant to my friends, then later in the day we both say sorry while sidestepping any admission of fault. A perfect cocktail.
After a decade together, Adam and Flora (pictured together) have managed to finesse their epic fights to a flawless recipe
The only issue is that in lockdown he can’t just walk off any time he wants and I can’t call my pals to rant when he’s sitting in the same room.
Add to this the fact we’re with each other 24 hours a day and the opportunity to argue has risen dramatically.
All of which means fighting is a luxury that has gone the same way as dinner parties, on hold until we’re out of this mess.
As a writer, I work from home, so I’m used to a day spent indoors, but what I’m not used to is my lawyer boyfriend infiltrating my work space.
I know he’s been forced inside, but somehow it doesn’t feel like we’re both working from home: it feels like he’s camped out in my office, ruining my routine, and commenting on how many snacks I eat.
From looking at social media, you might think arguing has been conveniently paused, that families are blissfully baking banana bread together and cutting each other’s hair in front of the Netflix must-watch Tiger King. But we all need to let off steam somehow.
In a now-deleted Facebook post, the Malaysian women’s ministry suggested wives ‘avoid nagging’ their husbands at this difficult time.
On top of this, while the rest of us rotate between ‘day’ pyjamas and ‘night’ pyjamas, it advised women to wear make-up and continue to dress well.
Now they’re in lockdown Flora has taken to small acts of revenge as a way to vent any frustration, rather than starting an argument
The horror and ridicule that greeted these suggestions eventually elicited an apology and the clarification they were only trying to maintain ‘positive relationships among family members’.
It’s the right idea, but entirely the wrong method — dressing up and pretending not to find my boyfriend annoying would only make me more likely to tear him off a strip in the long run.
No, it is my belief that small acts of passive aggression are the only way to keep the peace in lockdown, when blow-ups are so highly ill-advised.
I feel I must now add a caveat: my revenge is mostly in jest. There is a serious issue with isolation increasing incidents of domestic violence.
So only use these helpful tips if you’re in a good relationship and, like me, have a healthy hatred for your other half.
Allow me to set the scene: a few days after the bookmark incident and after a stressful day, I cosied up on the sofa to watch the latest episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race together, only to be told that as my working day had gone on too long, he had watched it without me.
In the best of times, skipping ahead on shows is a cardinal sin, so when it was time to pass him his glasses as we watched the subtitled family drama Shtisel, I pushed my thumbs onto each lens, leaving an oily smudge.
If I couldn’t watch my show, then it seemed fair he couldn’t see his.
He hasn’t noticed any of my little revenges, or rather he hasn’t realised their calculated origins.
But that’s part of their beauty. We sidestep any confrontation and I feel like I’ve received an apology without hearing one.
They also give me the illusion of control, in a situation where we all have so little.
Most couples will be going through episodes of feeling a little unhinged. You can hate your boyfriend, and still love him; you can feel lucky to be isolated with your wife and still miss your alone time.
If you need to move a bookmark to feel better, then go ahead.
And just to prove that you’re not abnormal, when I shared my tactic on Twitter, I got an avalanche of revenge plots.
One of my followers said they took the beer from the fridge and put it in the cupboard so it would warm up, while another suggested swapping the Earl Grey and English breakfast tea.
Other devious plans included pulling the phone charger out of the socket ever so slightly, so your other half’s battery stays depleted.
At its best, a little morsel of revenge is something you’ll be able to tell your partner at a later time and hopefully they’ll laugh it off as part of your cabin fever.
So if you put on your glasses tomorrow and find your Daily Mail a little dog-eared and your lenses a little blurry, know that you probably did something to upset your other half.
But be glad in the knowledge that you avoided a much bigger fight, and prepare to hide the loo roll at an inconvenient moment.
Flora is donating her fee from this article to Refuge, a UK charity for women and children experiencing domestic violence.
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