31 Thoughts I, An Idiot American, Had While Watching German Bachelorette

Hi all! My name is Michelle and I’m a BuzzFeed writer from NYC, currently living in Berlin. Since arriving, I’ve been hearing a lot about how popular The Bachelorette is here (as it is back home), so I thought it’d be interesting to try and watch the first episode with my nonexistent German skills.

And by the way, I’ve never seen the American Bachelorette either.

1.I understand enough German to know that “Die” is an article, but reading this title with my American brain is a really jarring way to start the show.

I know it’s not a horror movie called “Die, Bachelorette!”, but that’s where my mind went, ok?!

2.Her name is Gerda, and she’s a huge influencer in Germany.

Okay, we’re moving on to the male intros.

3.Fabiano looks like a gentleman in the streets, a freak in the sheets, and a yoga teacher in that one Friedrichshain studio with free tea.

4.Fabio looks like he just got done with a good, long cry.

He’s probably the most emotionally healthy out of all of ’em.

5.Jonas’ most indulgent purchase last year was a top-of-the-line hairdryer.

6.My study abroad expectation:

7.My study abroad reality:

More intros!

8.We get it, YOU VAPE!

9.Is it me or is there something just so wholesome about these dudes? Just look at those smiles! They make me feel like a baby being cooed at.

10.Thank you Bachelorette, for this display of gentle masculinity and for being so progressive.

11.Side note: My favorite German phrase in this show and country so far is: “So,” pronounced “Zo.” Everyone says it. It’s their version of the American, “All rightie then!! 🤠” but more elevated.

12.The director be like, “Do an impersonation of how Americans dress.”

She’s finally meeting ’em now!

13.I’m going to start calling American Bachelorette, Bachelorette: Ant edition.

Everyone is just so tall!

14.A man just gave her a toy gorilla. I’m sure this makes more sense for the local audience.

15.I’m calling it now: She’s going to pick him. The chemistry and energy here just transcends languages. I just know she felt something with him.

16.These two look like they’re on their way to prom. I think I like them the most.

They kind of look like their moms dressed them? But like, in a good way because moms rule.

17.Pink man is my favorite!!!! He reminds me of a high school crush I never had. Just look at that sincere-ass smile!

18.“I can’t wait to tell my mom how well my first date went.”

19.“Die Bachelorette would love her.”

20.Weird Urban Outfitters ad in the middle of the show??

21.“I don’t even work out, I just wake up like this.”

22.I love Hercules because he doesn’t even know he’s funny.

23.LMAO that awkward moment when you extend your hand for a handshake 20 seconds too early.

Relatable.

Okay cool, now this lady has approximately 56 seconds to spend with 20 people each to determine if she wants to keep them in her life or not. It’s like Tinder, but in slow-motion.

24.I wonder how long it takes for this man to groom all the hair on his face.

25.Ok, this dude is way too aggressive. And she totally just told him off!! Big Blonde Energy for the win.

26.“Sushi, seashells, and sauna.” Ah, the trifecta of a good vacation.

You right.

Ok now that she’s about to give away roses, I have a question for all editions of Bachelorette: How the hell do you memorize like, 20 names and their faces and remember which order to pick them in, all in one day?

27.😍

28.I love that Fabio is equal parts Italian hand gestures and intense German speaking. He’s like the perfect Venn Diagram of European passion.

Wow, okay, We done!

Great job, my dudes.

29.Since I’ve never seen the American version of The Bachelorette, I was curious to see how we stacked up to this German interpretation. So I looked up an episode of YouTube and here’s how the US intros fared:


30.To summarize:

31.I’m literally never going back to the states.

Serkan aka Pink Man, if it doesn’t work out with Die Bachelorette, slide into ya girl’s DMs!

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