An incomplete list of things I really don’t understand and probs never will: NFTs, yoni eggs, why that Bella Poarch TikTok vid has so many GD views, and—most notably—Pete Davidson. ICYMI, the ~Staten Island stallion~ is apparently in a PR stunt quasi-situationship with Kim Kardashian following her recent SNL hosting gig, and I! Have! So! Many! Questions! The biggest question perhaps being: Why TF are ppl so thirsty for this man’s magical appendage? Like, thirsty enough that someone thought a Pete Davidson-inspired sex toy was a thing that should be mass-produced and soon made available to horny consumers??
Adult entertainment site CamSoda recently took it upon themselves to harvest Pete’s BDE into a (weirdly veiny?) phallic prosthetic, adorned with a wide array of colorful tattoos. (Side note: Can anyone confirm whether Pete actually has dick tats? Are dick tats a thing? SOS.) Cannot confirm whether it was built to scale, but can confirm that the cursed contraption in question looks like this:
And that’s not all! The Davidson Dildo (yep) will also “sync” to his appearances on SNL, so that when he pops up on screen, the smart dildo will “gyrate accordingly” (*shudders*). As CamSoda VP Daryn Parker so eloquently explained via a press release, “Pete doesn’t have to be locked down with just Kim. We can all share a piece of the SNL stud and get to know him more intimately.” Nope!!!!
A few Qs for you, Mr. Parker, in no particular order. Who actually watches SNL in real-time when Harry Styles isn’t hosting? Do Pete’s “Chad” sketches really make anyone’s lady bits tremble with desire? Am I expected to watch the entire episode with a massive inked-up dildo wedged in my V-hole? Why is CamSoda so concerned with syncing up everyone’s masturbation schedules??
JSYK, this isn’t the first time CamSoda has attempted to coordinate a synchronized wank sesh. Ahead of the season 3 premiere of Succession, they partnered with sex toy company Lovense to introduce Greg the Egg—which, confusingly, isn’t a product, but instead an ~experience~ that allows users to sync their vibrator to all of Nicholas Braun (aka Cousin Greg)’s screen appearances. (Quick tangent: Remember when Daddy Nick tried to shoot his shot with Kim K following her split with Kanye? Missed your chance, Kimmy.)
Lovense has done similar campaigns for the World Series and the Super Bowl, triggering vibes when teams scored…and again, the question begs: Who is sitting in front of their TV with their pants around their ankles and vibrator of choice in hand? Perhaps I’m just going to the wrong Super Bowl watch parties. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I may never understand the appeal of Pete D and his (apparently life-changing) D, but I do know this: People can probs manage masturbating to their celeb crushes without the assistance of “teledildonic” technology. Then again, this $21 Pete Davidson vibrator does keep selling out on Etsy, so…you do you, friends.
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